The Jesuses

The Catholicist Nation


Here is a brainstorming list of all the Jesuses of the Catholicist Nation. Organizing and defining is in process. It is intended to be comprehensive. For your input please email me.  Go to the Preface for this List  


Aggressive Jesus

Alien Visitor From Space Jesus

All Pervasive All Through The Universe And In All Things Jesus

Allah Jesus

Alpha Male Jesus

American Jesus

American Dream Jesus

Anarchy Jesus

Anti-Christ Jesus

Anti-racist Jesus

Anything Goes Jesus

Aristocrat Jesus

Astrological Sun God Jesus

Attenuated Jesus

Augustus Jesus

Authoritarian Jesus

Avatar Jesus

Baal Jesus

Back in the Day Jesus

Bastard Offspring of a Raped Teenager Jesus

Beer-Drinking Buddy Jesus

Big Butter Jesus

Big Game Jesus

Black Jesus

Blond Blue-Eyed Jesus

Blue Collar Jesus

Buddhist Jesus

Buddy Jesus

Buffet Jesus

Bumper Sticker Jesus

Burning Man Jesus

Butler Jesus

Caesar Jesus

Calvinist Jesus

Capitalist Jesus

Captain Jesus

Caricature Jesus

Carpenter's Son Jesus

Catholic Jesus 1

Celebrity Jesus

Charismatic Jesus

Christmas and Easter Jesus that you have a right to talk about during the season

Christian Scientist Jesus

Cis Jesus

Civil Religion Jesus

Classic Christianity Jesus

Clean-Cut Well-Groomed Upright Jesus

Codependent Jesus

Communist Jesus

Company Man Jesus

Compliant Jesus

Condemnatory Jesus

Confused Jesus

Conservation Minded Environmentally Sensitive Jesus

Conservative Jesus

Conspiracy Theory Jesus

Consumerist Jesus

Contemporary Jesus

Cool Dude Jesus

Cool Nonthreatening Jesus of the postmodern church where pastors wear Hawaiian shirts, provocative art covers the walls, and bongos are played in the worship band

Copilot Jesus

Corporate Jesus

Cosmic Jesus

Critical Theory Jesus

Crusading Jesus

Cult Jesus

Culturally Relevant Jesus

Customized Jesus

Cybele Jesus

Cynic Sage Jesus

Darwinism Jesus

Dead Jesus

Demiurge Jesus

Democrat Jesus

Demon Jesus

Dictator Jesus

Disneyland Jesus

Doctor Jesus

Domesticated Jesus

Dominionist Jesus

Drill Sergeant Jesus

Eastern Mystic Jesus

Elitist Eastern Establishment Jesus

Elvis Jesus

Emergent Church Jesus

Epicurean Jesus

Equity Enforcing Jesus

Equivocating Jesus

Ethnically Pleasing Jesus

Evil Jesus

Evil Twin Jesus

Evolving Jesus

Exhaustive Immersion in Religious Busywork Jesus

Existential Jesus

Expedient Jesus

Extraterrestrial Jesus

Facebook Jesus

Fact Check Jesus

Fancy Painting Jesus

Fantasy Jesus

Fashionable Jesus

Fear Mongering Jesus

Feminine Jesus

Financial Manager Jesus

Financial Peace University Jesus

Fine Practitioner Jesus

Fixer-Upper Jesus

Flower Child Jesus

Flying Spaghetti Monster Jesus

Fox News Jesus

Furious Jesus

Gaia Jesus

Galilean Holy Man Jesus

Gay Jesus 

Gender Identity Jesus

Genie Jesus

Genius Jesus

Giving Back Jesus

Gladiator Jesus

Globalist Jesus

Gnostic Jesus

God Bless America Jesus

God Club Jesus

Goddess Jesus

Good Prophet Jesus

Good Teacher Jesus

Got Jesus? Jesus

Grand Sez Who Jesus

Great Moral Example Jesus

Great Scholar Jesus

Great Spirit in the Sky Jesus

Great Swami Jesus

Guru Jesus

Haloed Jesus

Hero Jesus

Heteronormative Jesus

Highly Ethical Jesus

Hindu Jesus

Hip Jesus

Hip Hop Jesus

Historical Jesus

Homeless Charismatic Jesus

Homosexual Jesus

Humanist Jesus

"I can believe in whatever I want at the time" Jesus

Iconic Jesus

Imaginary Jesus

Imperial Jesus

Impoverished Jesus

Incrementalist Approach Jesus

Insane Jesus

Inspirational Jesus who's good enough just with what he said

Islamic Jesus

Jefferson's Bible Jesus

Jehovah’s Witness Jesus

Jesus among the many gods as one who can get me what I want that he can and the others can't

Jesus among the many Jesuses who are only acceptable to believe in if vetted by the authorized expert academia or mass media

Jesus as one of the gods in the great pantheon of gods

Jesus Charlie (or Jesus Bruxelles or any other "Je Suis" god behind which to rally after a terrorist incident) 2

"Jesus Christ Show" Jesus

Jesus H. Christ on a Bicycle Jesus

Jesus I can only understand if my pastor (or priest or teacher or favorite writer) explains him to me

Jesus I'm excused for dismissing since there are so many, I mean how can you know who he really is after all?

Jesus in an eternal Celebrity Death Match with Satan

Jesus in the church service where the leader insists he just let "the Holy Spirit lead" as an excuse to be inadequately prepared for some purposeful activity in a worship assembly gathering

Jesus in the stained glass window

Jesus leading the righteous crusade

Jesus married to Mary Magdalene and hidden from the world by sinister secret societies

Jesus of color

Jesus of my interpretive community

Jesus of my world view

Jesus of our own perfect utopian commune where everyone is perfectly pious and perfectly industrious to ensure peace and togetherness

Jesus of the agnostic

Jesus of the atheist

Jesus of the bitter ex-Christian

Jesus of the codependent 3

Jesus of the deist

Jesus of the essentials of the historic Christian faith

Jesus of the ethnocentric

Jesus of the Frankfurt School whose adherents are vehemently encouraged to ensure everyone is on board with government whacking anyone who is even remotely responsible (notably if not exclusively older white straight angry males) for the systemic oppression of others (younger stylish exceedingly-tolerant sexually-unconventional counter-culture people of color)

Jesus of the generally good person anyway

Jesus of the LGBTQ movement

Jesus of the Machiavellian leader who knows any Jesus that works to generate abiding fear in his rule is terrific

Jesus of the moralistic therapeutic deist, someone who belongs to the most prominent religion in the 21st century in which you may find comfort in just trying to be a good person, feelin' good inside, and convinced God is pretty much a non-issue but if someone else wants to believe that stuff they certainly can

Jesus of the naturalist

Jesus of the one who habitually screams "Jesus Christ" when something bad happens

Jesus of the one who has firmly believed in a counterfeit Jesus for some time and after he or she becomes exasperated that the Jesuit-fed questions cannot be answered by the group of people incapable of answering them because they've bought into the Jesuit-driven doubts one must have about Jesus, abandons "the faith" in an openly bitter fashion

Jesus of the one who pugnaciously refuses to understand that this list of Jesuses is posted for the exclusive purpose of encouraging readers to abandon any of the gross misconceptions they may have, and to seek, find, know, and put their faith upon The Real One, and that the compiler of this list is in no way claiming to have any authoritative inside track on Him outside of anything He already shares with us

Jesus of the one who simply hasn't the slightest consideration of Jesus as the only rescue from his or her eternally lethal predicament, much because he or she has only been told about the straw-man one

Jesus of the one who trusts merely in family, friends, and reflexive self

Jesus of the perennial victim

Jesus of the polytheist

Jesus of the subjectivist

Jesus of those insisting “I don’t have a Jesus”

Jesus of those outraged that one would presume they would even care about Jesus, much less "have" a Jesus

Jesus of those violently enraged that anyone would presume they do indeed have some god they zealously worship when all they want is to feel good about how much they are seen as someone who just trusts in science

Jesus of those who always declare, "How dare you assume MY Jesus in not the real one!"

Jesus of those who ferociously insist the things in the Bible that clearly should be taken literally are merely symbolic

Jesus of those who ferociously insist the things in the Bible that clearly should be taken symbolically are actually literal

Jesus of those who must sing the same verse/chorus over and over and over again pleading how much they want him to come visit them in their church service

Jesus of those who proudly proclaim themselves above all such superstitions like Jesus

Jesus of those who really knew who he was, like the Essenes

Jesus of those who tell people they like him when they only want to look wholesome enough to get in with other wholesome-looking people

Jesus stuck in a country-western song for added emotional effect

Jesus that can be changed into a circular wafer because some guy in a very fancy robe tells him to

Jesus that is just the Great Cosmic Oneness we're all part of

Jesus that is merely a seductively compelling anti-Christ

Jesus that is one of the thousands who say they are really Jesus but are just mentally ill

Jesus that is whatever god one's interpretive community tells them is the true one, including the god belonging to the interpretive community of the postmodernist who seems to feel he or she is above such interpretive communities in order to tell us truths about interpretive communities even though his or her interpretive community is exempt from being one that exerts unjust power over others with those claims

Jesus that should stay in church where he belongs

Jesus to find in his different cultural manifestations as I travel the world

Jesus to get warm feelings about because he's in the news or being talked about a lot

Jesus to put off believing in until the time you decide to shape up

Jesus to stoke the bonfire of the vanities

Jesus up there in the air somewhere to whom sports stars point after accomplishing some splendid athletic feat

Jesus useful for rationalizing all kinds of things

Jesus who allows me to rationalize my sin with widely embraced but severely contorted interpretations of Scripture

Jesus who always luckily bails me out of bad situations I always seem to get myself in

Jesus who can't possibly be real because so many previous ancient major religious cults had Jesus figures just like him with exactly the same details about their lives as he had in his

Jesus who couldn't possibly put poor innocent people into hell because he's supposed to love

Jesus who fights with me against THE MAN

Jesus who hates wealthy people and wants government to take more of their money to give to poor people

Jesus who heads the firm of Jesus Christ and Company

Jesus who is just some religion's main guy

Jesus who is that one celebrity so dynamically charismatic that I must follow him or her

Jesus who is that one person in the group who is so wise that he or she is the one I should follow

Jesus who is the married founder of a large family whose descendants live on in anonymity while pursuing a goddess religion

Jesus who is the Superior General of the Society of Jesus 4

Jesus who is too intolerant

Jesus who is too tolerant

Jesus who just got all his stuff from the Zoroastrians

Jesus who kept secrets that only the enlightened few may know

Jesus who kicks butt for the U.S. of A.

Jesus who knows racism [or whichever preferred awful thing] is truly the worst thing on the planet and must be expunged from every corner of every institution

Jesus who lets me give vent to my proclaimed sexual proclivities because that's who he made me to be

Jesus who makes sure I'm healthy, wealthy, and wise

Jesus who needs to be rescued from some unfavorable opposing interest who claim to know him

Jesus who never answered questions but only asked them so you could think for yourselves 5

Jesus who only accepts as authoritative the language of the 1611 King James Bible

Jesus who speaks to the culture

Jesus who tolerates all religions and ideas and points of view

Jesus who was really a socialist when you think about it

Jesus who when he returns will only come for me and my church (with the exception of a few I know)

Jesus who will talk to you if your ask him through the planchette

Jesus who'll make everything better after the completion of all the expected sacraments or penances

Jesus who'll make everything better after the completion of the retreat weekend in the mountains

Jesus who'll make everything better after the completion of the rigorous eight-week seminar

Jesus who'll make everything better after we just elect the right people into political office

Jesus who's just Mithras rehashed for more popular consumption today

Jesus who's perfectly fine with my sin as long as I confess often enough

Jesus who's really upset with those horrible government people who aren't in my party or ideology

Jesus whose main thrust was equality for everyone

Jesus whose stories make for great television entertainment

Jesuses of the henotheist 6

Jesuses of the pluralist

John Galt Jesus

Judaist Jesus

Judas Jesus

Just Jesus and Only Jesus (that is, the Jesus without dogma)

Just Some Religion's Main Guy Jesus

Karen Jesus

Kickin' Ass Jesus

Las Vegas Jesus

Law Abiding Jesus

Leader of the Rebellion Jesus

Leadership Empowerment Motivational Jesus

Legendary Jesus

Liberal Jesus

Libertarian Jesus

Libertine Jesus

Lifestyle Jesus

Light-Switch Jesus

Lohasian Jesus 7

Lucifer Jesus

Lutheran or Episcopal Jesus to believe in because he is a lot like the Catholic one and he is really the best one but the Church has become too corrupt and the evangelical one is just too all-over-the-place, you know, just not liturgical enough 8

Magician Jesus

Mainstream Jesus

Mainstream Media Anointed Jesus that is okay for us all to think about

Major Network News Anchor Jesus who speaks with such seriousness and authority that what he says must be true

Male Chauvinist Jesus

Man Who Really Looks and Acts Like Jesus

Marduk Jesus

Marginal Jew Jesus

Marxist Jesus

Mask-wearing Jesus to fully ensure no one can accuse anyone of giving anyone else any disease of any kind

Masonic Jesus

Materialism Jesus

Media Darling Jesus

Merely Human Jesus

Merovingian Blood Line Jesus

Metamodern Jesus

Militant Jesus

Mobile Device Jesus (iPhone Jesus) 9

Monastic Jesus

Mormon Jesus

Movie Jesus

My Denomination's Jesus

My Own Comfortable Conception of God Jesus

My Very Own Jesus

Mystical Peasant Jesus

Name-It Claim-It Jesus

National Anthem Jesus

New Age Jesus

New York Times Jesus

No One Can Really Know Jesus Jesus

Non-Conformist for the Sake of Non-Conformity Jesus

Nouveau Jesus

NRA Jesus

Obsequious Jesus

Occult Jesus

Old-Time Religion Jesus

One of the brothers in the lodge Jesus

One of the members of the club Jesus

Oprah Jesus

Orthodox Jesus

Our Jesus

Overly Sensitive Jesus

Own Personal Jesus

Pacifist Jesus

Paramedic Jesus

Patriot Jesus

Pentecostal Jesus

Performance Art Jesus

Personal Coach Jesus

Personality Cult Jesus

Philosopher Jesus

Pimping Jesus

Pithy Saying Jesus

Polite Jesus

Pop Culture Jesus

Popular Jesus

Populist Jesus

Postmodern Jesus

Powerball Jackpot Jesus

Powerfully Persuasive and Emotionally Compelling Speaking Pastor Jesus

President Jesus

Professor Jesus

Progressive Jesus

Proletariat Rebel Jesus

Promise Keepers Jesus

Protestant Jesus

Psychedelic Jesus

Purpose-Driven Jesus

Radical Jesus

Rambo Jesus

Reclusive Jesus

Reconstructionist Jesus

Regency Jesus

Religious Science Jesus

Republican Jesus

Respectable Jesus

Revolutionary Jesus

Rich Full Lively Thoroughly Engaging Diversion Jesus

Righteous Cause Jesus

Rock Star Jesus

Roman Jesus

Safe Jesus

Santa Claus Jesus

Satirized Jesus

Science Jesus

Seventh Day Adventist Jesus

Social Network Jesus

Socially Active Radical Jesus

Socratic Jesus

Soft Cuddly Jesus

Sol Invictus (Invisible Sun God) Jesus

Sophisticated Cosmopolitan Jesus

Special Creation of God Jesus, not quite God himself but very very special indeed

Spiritualist Jesus who is okay with expert mediums conjuring the dead if it means well

Stand By Israel Jesus

Star-Spangled Banner Jesus

Stuffy Churchly Jesus

Stylized Jesus

Suffering Jesus

Super Hero Jesus

Superman Jesus

Superstar Jesus

Svengali Jesus

Sweet Baby Jesus Jesus

Syncretist Jesus

Take America Back Jesus

Talking Head Jesus

Taoist Jesus

Tebow-Time Jesus

Teddy Bear Jesus

Television News Anchorman Jesus

That Jesus the agents of Cain labor ceaselessly to promote in order to keep as many from the Real One as they can

The Jesus St. Augustine made more understandable

The Jesus Thomas Aquinas made more understandable 

The Man Upstairs Jesus

The Only Thing That Matters Is Love Jesus 10

The Right Reverend Jesus

Theosophist Jesus who respects all ideas about Jesus equally

Therapist Jesus

Thrill-Seeker Jesus

Top Gun Attorney Jesus who's gotten his clients millions

Touchdown Jesus!

Traditional Jesus

Trans Jesus

Trendy Jesus

Trinity Broadcasting (TBN) Jesus

Twitter Jesus

Unappeasable Jesus

Unitarian Jesus

Universalist Jesus

Unknown Superior Jesus

Utilitarian Jesus

Utopian Vision Jesus

Walking Dead Zombie Jesus

Web-Centered "Reality" Jesus

Western Civilization Hegemony Jesus

What Would Jesus Do? Jesus

"What-ever" Jesus

Whichever Jesus now trendiest to embrace until the next popular/chic/attractive Jesus comes around

Whichever Jesus you want me to believe in just don't hurt me okay

White Jesus

White Supremacist Nation Jesus

Who is Jesus? Jesus

Wholly Other Ethereal Jesus

Wiccan Jesus

Wicked Priest Jesus

Widely Merchandised Jesus

Wimpy Jesus

With-It Jesus

Woodstock Jesus

Yoist Jesus 11

Your Own Jesus


Who then is the real Jesus?


Can’t say — if I did I’d be liable to make another Jesus. You’ll have to find out about Him for yourself.


For those who can't resist, take a peek here.

     It should be noted that the Straw Man Jesus doesn't just materialize in the mind of the believer from nowhere. The Straw Man Jesus must be conveyed to him in some way. He is invented, described, and marketed by those most adroit in making counterfeit Jesuses, none other than the aptly named Society of Jesus. Naturally many of these Jesuses are spin-offs of those the Society has actively designed and promoted, but all are acceptable for subjective characterizing or even worshipping. The more there are, the less likely an individual would come to know the Real One, and the more legitimacy the Society will have in directing his sin management program.




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Back to Preface of Jesuses


Some of my thoughts


Chapter 8 >> Chapter 9 >> Chapter 10



1  Many Jesuses are included in the Catholic Jesus conception. They include the Jesus that is Mary, the Sacred Heart Jesus, the Jesus that is the Priest, the Jesus that is the Mother Superior, the Jesus that is the Patron Saint, the Christmas Baby Jesus, the Liberating the Poor Through Revolution Jesus, the Jesus Hanging Lifeless on the Cross, the Eucharistic Jesus in a Wafer, the Painfully Disappointed Jesus, the White Statue Jesus, the Jesus Who is Merely a Player in the Grand Sunday Morning Liturgical Performance Art Spectacle, the Jesus Whose Image Forms on the Window When the Light Hits It Just Right, the Pope Jesus, and the Father General Jesus also listed here as the Unknown Superior Jesus.

2  "Jesus Charlie" is derived from "Je Suis Charlie", the French epithet many around the global adopted after the terrorist attacks on a Paris publishing firm office in January of 2015. In March of 2016 terrorists attacked Brussels, and people began rallying behind "Je Suis Bruxelles".  Again, I can't help but see the similarities between the words "Jesus" and "Je Suis" and identify yet another Jesus to whom people are giving their devotion. (In September 2005 after attacks in London that July, I wrote a brief home page piece addressing the fearfulness of a Catholicized populace under the systemically engendered pervasive terrorist threat. Another piece is this one introducing the idea of "Jesus Charlie".)

3  The Jesus of the codependent is probably the most pronounced idol of the modern age. Many people adopt someone else as the one they worship could be a spouse, a friend, a priest, even the standard "matinee idol" movie star. Frequently that person is an authority figure that replaces a mother or father who severely wounded one in childhood. Codependency itself is the psychological concept related to one's relationship to another based on pride and selfishness instead of love and understanding. One's identity is shaped only by the feelings that he/she must rescue another "loved one," making that individual's poor choices or behaviors his/her responsibility.

4  This is truly the one Jesus enthusiastically worshipped by those without the real One. He is a real individual assigned the job of governing the affairs of those who vigorously gird their evildoing as they live out their whitewashed lives. Any time anyone adopts as lifestyle dogma a mandate laid out by the media, the academia, the technocrats, or any other seductive System operative they are allowing their lives to be governed by this gentleman, sworn to faithfully and deftly execute his duties in humility and deference. Ironically one of his most effective tactics is to see that there are so many Jesuses from which to choose (review the posted list above) so his identity and stature remain quite opaque even as he must by God's command plainly signify his authority.

5  The point with "Jesus who never answered questions..." is not that we shouldn't use our minds, but that many erroneously believe that Jesus never told us anything about the way things really are. The problem is that the answers Jesus gave never got through the thick skulls of those who already thought they knew what the answers were!

6  A henotheist is one who gives full allegiance to his own community's god but acknowledges that other communities have their own gods that may certainly be of equal nature and power as his own. In many ways the postmodernist is merely a contemporary henotheist. You may also note that the Shema, the verse of Deuteronomy 6:4 which declares that the Lord God is one, is not a statement in support of nontrinitarianism, but rather it is a rejection of henotheism.


7  A sort of hyper-environmentalism, the term "Lohasian" comes from the acronym LOHAS which stands for "Lifestyles of Health and Sustainability." Certainly Jesus wants us to be healthy and care for the planet; the issue is whether or not one has the real capacity to actually do that. The law is a brutal taskmaster, so all the rules about doing this thing or that thing to honor conservation merely amount to a heavy burden. Only by Christ who is Truth and Grace does anyone ultimately do anything of authentic value, including keeping things sufficiently green.


8  The Liturgical Jesus is not unreasonable because Jesus Himself did at least some semblance of a liturgy in His earthly ministry. Liturgies also provide order in community, not necessarily a bad thing. The issue is whether or not the liturgy is rote legalistic grandstanding, which it is in almost every Roman Catholic service, or it becomes an idol where the worshipper forgets what he or she is there for. 


9  The mobile device has become such an important part of modern life that it is truly an idol for many people. There are even more and more instances of people putting themselves in terribly dangerous situations after being unable to take their eyes and hands off that screen: being hit by automobiles, injuring themselves in unusual ways, even falling off a cliff. This is not even to mention the psychologically obsessive nature of one's cell phone use.


10  Does love matter? Of course. In fact, it is indeed the most important thing God does, indeed is. But the problem here is that this love encompasses a thousand other things the intellectually lazy too readily dismiss. At the top of that list is what you plan to do with that love. And quite frankly, your relationship with the God Who Gave His Life For You does involve a lot of things to do. Gloriously, those things are wonderful, liberating, energizing, authentic. The World would convince you with its humanist propaganda that you only need "to be." When you love with His love you'll actually live. That's way better.


11  The Yoist Jesus may also be known as the "Open Source" Jesus, a novel movement that declares that getting as many people to pronounce something as true makes it true. The driving force behind it is the continuing expansive proliferation of information technology and social media platforms, making it much easier to process and record all the things people believe from more and more of those people. The bottom line is the idea that if enough people say it's true, then it must be true, and the more we all know about that truth, the better off we'll all be.


Special thanks to a reader from Ohio for drawing my attention to some more very fine Jesuses! (January 2016)



This page was originally posted by David Beck at on November 13, 2004

This page was updated on May 27, 2024